This post has spoilers for Letterkenny.
If you could be one thing, you should be efficient. Wise words from a wiser Canadian shirt-tucker. You're here for a Letterkenny ranking of all the cold opens, so let's be as efficient as possible. With Season 9 debuting this Saturday, December 26th, let's take a walk up the driveway and meet by the produce stand for a cooler full of Puppers, cuddleable pooches, and yes, all the pittering and pattering your heart desires. Let's get at'er, 'Kennyheads.
61. “Valentine’s Day Special” (S6 E7)
There’s no true cold open, so let’s give credit to the opening discussion where Wayne comes out as the holiday poopy pants and Dary can’t enunciate “Valentines,” because, well, “Valentimes.”
60. “Jay And Dan On TSN” (S8 E1)
Sports anchors Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole take us into an episode of TSN with an exclusive interview: Letterkenny’s own Reilly and Jonesy. They’re terrible on camera, spouting the typical “hustle and grit” talking points athletes stumble through. There’s a Regina shout-out.
59. “You heard a couple of nutsacks talking about hockey the other day.” (S1 E2)
Reilly and Jonesy fill in their team’s schmelt (rookie) about big city slams while Wayne overhears from the bar, trying to decipher puck bro language. There’s talk of sucking on martian titties. Wayne is...rightfully...left speechless.
58. “You were eavesdroppin’ on some nutsacks in the bar the other day.” (S8 E6)
Bonnie McMurray concludes that the sport where athletes slam the most broadskies is basketball. Jonesy says football. Reilly says baseball. Shouldn’t hockey players be the low hanging fruit? If you can’t beat it, join in. Just mind the Load Code.
57. “A pack of coyotes come right up the back porch the other night, ‘cause your dog’s in heat and you know those fuckin’ yellow-eyed bastards will go right through the screen door if they’re horny.” (S1 E6)
Wane and Dary are on a coyote hunt. Dary enlightens Wayne on the methods of “bumper dumps” and “stump humps.” Dary finds the perfect stump for a stump hump, right before he discovered marijuana plants that have sprouted in Wayne’s backyard.
56. “Letterkenny Christmas” (S5 E7)
The gang's animated as children. Squirrely Dan gets hit in the nards with a snowball. Wayne tackles Dary through a snowman. It’s cute.
55. “TSN Hockey Quiz” (S8 E2)
James Duthie, Darren Dreger, Jeff O’Neill, and Bob McKenzie banter about which hockey starts they’d want to start a franchise around. Reilly, Jonesy, and JJ Franky J are all hot picks...until Shoresy’s name enters the mix.
54. “You’re having a Puppers with your pals the other day…” (S9 E6)
Work’s done, so the drinking can commence. Wayne comments on Dary’s social media obsessions. Less doing Tweets and more pulling teats, bud. In any case, Dary stumbles upon an account about “Gay Hooters,” so Daxy and Ronsy step in to explain that lots of “gay dudes secret love tits.” Breasts are given many yet-to-be snickered nicknames while Wayne stays out of the conversation.
53. “You’re having Thirsty Thursday with your pals the other day.” (S2 E6)
Wayne discusses his hatred of Samuel. We learn about Fun Dip dry rips. Wayne tries to wrap his head around sticking narcotics up your pooper. Dan should probably go check on Samuel.
52. “You were discussin’ critical space stuff with your pals the other day.” (S6 E6)
How would you batch in space? You’d cone it, in your space quarters. Obstruct the space cam in your quarters, so other cadets don’t peep. Wayne overheard some Cape Canaveral spacemen talking about such acts. More cosmic conversations continue about airborne ejaculate. God bless, Roberta Bondar.
51. “Easter Special” (S4 E7)
Dary is seen in Jigsaw’s workshop, or the Easter equivalent, reading his chicken-scratch diary and painting Easter Eggs to be hidden. It’s going to be a super-hard Easter, or so Dary dreams.
50. “You pal needed a handyman the other day…” (S9 E5)
Gail’s truck wouldn’t turn over. Wayne, Dary, Squirrely Dan, and Jim Dickens begin offering advice before descending into their distrust in car salesmen. If he called the receptionist his “girl” one more time, Squirrely Dan was going over the table. Bad gas travels fast in a small town, but when it comes to sleazy automotive sellers, nobody seems to care much. Turns out Gailer’s gas cap was loose, but that’s besides the point.
49. “You’re packing up for a fishing trip with your pals the other day.” (S3 E4)
Everybody gets excited about fishing in Quebec, except Dary. Snack provisions are discussed, and Dan reveals their decision to take only munchables that start with “C” because of the options. Chips. Cookies. Chocolate. Somebody needs to get Dary a Puppers.
48. “You might notice that we got beers this time.” (S7 E2)
On this episode of Crack An Ag, Wayne figures if they’re just sittin’ around gabbin’ they should have beers. Keith Graydaniels calls in with a tit in the yard. The tit in question? Dalton Thibodeau. Graydaniels wants to kick Thibodeau in the ass. It’s not bullying in the labor workforce, it’s tough love. Bad gas travels fast in a small town, and Thibodeau rings next. He gets the business.
47. “You want a stick of gum?” (S6 E4)
Between Dary drinkin’ from the hose and Dan chuggin’ OJ after brushin’ teeth, everyone needs more than a stick of gum. Wayne trades minty chew for a single spoken phrase: “About.” The “a-boat” versus “a-bowt” versus “a-boot” debate begins. Oh, right, Bob the Jehoova’s Witness is still here.
46. “You were playing Crib with your pals the other day…” (S9 E2)
Dary’s got some thoughts, but the gang just wants to play three-handed. He’d seen Mother Hutchins uptown in a beautiful dress, but heard a very faint whistle despite her eating an ice cream cone. Dan needs convincing, given the number of children ol’ Hutchins has birthed. Sigh. The gang starts providing their own undercarriage sound effects from here, based on wind trajectory and grooming habits. Wayne uncomfortably utters the word…”vagina.” To be fair, no one wants egg on their face.
45. “The Nursery Rhyme” (S4 E1)
The fallout from Wayne’s brawl with Bradley sends Rosie packing. Katy chooses Reilly over Jonesy. Pastor Glen is sad he hasn’t seen Wayne recently. All this is conveyed through rhyming limericks per character. There, now season four can start.
44. “You got a bit banged up after work the other day.” (S1 E3)
Wayne insults Dary’s automobile. Squirrely Dan has to take about five-to-ten percent off because he appreciates the way Katie appreciates his metaphors. There’s a repeat fart offender. To no shock, this leads into the phenomenal “Fartbook” episode that spoofs The Social Network beat-for-beat.
43. “Your pals found a package that belonged to a couple of degens the other day.” (S4 E4)
We’ll never know what was in Soupy and Spider’s package. Squirrely Dan and Dary get a lesson in why “guyses” is wrong. Wayne confesses his distaste for mispronunciations and people who use large words just to sound smart. Dan does the right thing.
42. “You and your sweetie were discussing your town the other day…” (S9 E7)
Did you know there’s a township in Pennsylvania called Letterkenny? It’s the last episode of the seasons, so puns are in full-force. Shedderkenny, Letter-Lenny Kravitz, Eddie Vedder-Kenny, Judge Dredd-erkenny. Will Wayne ever run out of such wordplay? I don’t know. Letter-can-he?
41. “You were trying to figure out WTF with your BFFs the other day.” (S4 E6)
Squirrely Dan is on Bumble. Dary thinks he’s been sexting with a girl. He got an “LOL” in response to a date invite. So that’s, not sexting? Wayne reveals how Uncle Ed met Aunt Mary, which may or may not be a true story about when Johnny Cash knocked out Elvis. Ray Charles had Buddy Holly in a rear-naked, according to Wayne’s legend. In any case, the internet killed chivalry.
40. “Previously On Letterkenny” (S7 E1)
Were you hankering for a montage of every fart in Letterkenny to-date? It’s actually impressive how many farts this show squeaked out in addition to “Fartbook.” Informatives, and extremely flatulence.
39. “You had to use the facilities the other day.” (S8 E5)
Alexander is working in the MoD3ans bathroom. Sometimes there’s shit on the outside of the torlet. Sometimes there’s shit on the outside of the uriness. Wayne and McMurray try to figure out how the shit got on the outside of the uriness. Degens need to mind their scruples.
38. “Well you’ve seen some pretty outrageous things in your life, but nothin’ more outrageous than what you seen the other day.” (S8 E7)
No mystique, big mistake. Who let Pete and Repeat into MoD3ans after a run, wearing compression tights, no tops. Also, underwear bags? To separate your dink from your...in a pouch...like a hammock...Wayne isn’t pleased.
37. “St. Patrick’s Day” (S2 E7)
The gang explains the difference between drinking an Irish Car Bomb and an Irish Hand Grenade. Wayne becomes the St. Pat’s poopy pants. St. Patrick’s Day should be about things St. Patrick did, and Wayne’s not budging. At the end of the day, though, what would Joe Rogen do?
36. “Your pal ran into your old flame the other day…” (S9 E3)
Dary ran into Angie, and she’s actin’ different. Actin’ different like someone’s gone traveling for the first time and came home different. Cue Dary, Wayne, and Squirrely Dan auditioning for a Guy Ritchie gangster flick by exaggerating their way through English accent banter comedy for a few minutes. Pronunciations, tourist bashing, and “The B-B-C.” To be fair, now I want Jared Keeso in an episode of Peaky Blinders? In any case, pull yer finger outta yer ass.
35. “Your friend Dary said he could beat up your friend Dan the other day.” (S5 E4)
Bonnie McMurray is bartending at the Ukrainian Center. Dary believes he can topple Dan in a fight given sour circumstances. They could leg wrestle, but if you’re on the floor rubbing legs together, you’ve both lost. Tyson and Joint Boy knock each other clean-cold.
34. “The Alphabet Season 2 Recap” (S3 E1)
There’s a cold open, then there’s a super cold open. Wear your turtleneck, stay warm, and let Wayne rattle through the alphabet once more in what Jared Keeso would eventually dub the “alphabet aerobics.”
33. “Great Day For Thunder Bay Fallout” (S5 E1)
Wayne recounts the events that take place between himself and Tanis, which, as Season 4 concludes, suggests Wayne may have been tempted away from Rosie. Since a real man, good old boy, or stands-up guy doesn’t cheat, Wayne breaks up with Rosie and decides to pursue Tanis. Oh, and this is all information divulged in a rapid-fire roundtable (we’ll call it) as Wayne introduces a sentence and the rest of the group gives their god’s-honest truths as a finisher.
32. “Some nutsacks are in there trying to remake Wayne’s World.” (S7 E4)
Wayne, Dary, Squirrely Dan, and Katy confront L.A.’s remake and reboot epidemic. Dary showcases his Tony Danza impersonation. Squirrely Dan drops his Shark Tank idea about mashing old shows together for proper reboots. Orphan Is The New Black. The Mindy Project Runway. Sesame Street Legal. More Danza Ay-Yos.
31. “Well, Halloween isn’t so bad.” (S3 E7)
Samuel doesn’t deserve a full-sized candy bar from Wayne despite Squirrely Dan’s insistence that Samuel’s sorry he stole candy from his sister the year prior. Dary is furious about Wayne’s big-leaguing large candy bars, Wayne says it’s Dary’s fault for backdooring trick ‘r treaters. Dan suggests conext be established.
30. “You were gettin’ caught up with your pals the other day.” (S8 E3)
Ah, the “Beat Your Dick December” conversation. Wayne believes he could make it through the entirety of December batching as many times a day as the calendar reads. I mean, his logic is sound. Rest. Hydrate. You’re going away for Christmas. Crude, lewd, and hilarious thanks to Jared Keeso’s comedic timing. Welcome to Letterkenny.
29. “The Alphabet Season 1 Rewind.” (S2 E1)
The cast recounts what happened between the finale of Season 1 and beginning of Season 2, going letter-by-letter through the alphabet, only using words that start with whatever letter is currently in play. For example: “Attention. An amateure MMA asshole asks you to engage in an aggressive altercation.” Then “Bopped” for “B,” Clunk” for “C,” “Dink” for “D,” so on and so forth. “Zebra?” Zip it.
28. “The dog gave you a wee bit of a scare the other day. (S6 E2)
Gus, the geezer, has a health scare. Wayne can’t imagine a life without Gus. Katy thinks Gus faked it for a trip to the vet and a thermometer up the bum. So Gus is gay, what’s the big deal? Oh, right, McMuarry.
27. “Crack An Ag Has A Sign Now” (S7 E3)
There’s nothing more white to complain about than your airline experience. Dary’s in a bad way after a road rage incident that ended when another driver screams “Suck My Johnson.” Dary freezes. The boys and Cameraman Pastor Glen offer their choice retorts (Suck My Magic Johnson, Suck My Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, so on).
26. “You’re out gettin’ good with your pals the other night.” (S1 E4)
Wayne, Dary, and Squirrely Dan find themselves at the receiving end of Gail’s spring fever, discussing the impending wave of university students who will soon be filling MoDean’s. Gail makes mention of flicking something to grapefruit league baseball highlights then bets the boys $50 to the first successful hookup. Wager agreed, a few more lewd comments, down the hatch.
25. “Your pals invited her sweeties out for a double date with you and your sweeties the other day…” (S9 E4)
Dan invites Ellen out with Wayne and Rosie for some “regular” conversations. No patterns, devices, or creativeness in hopes the topic won’t turn to sex. This lasts all of two minutes before Ellen asks Wayne and Rosie if they’d like a beer, and Wayne replies, “Of Coors.” Thus begins the verbal gymnastics as everyone starts working at least one brewery name into conversational sentences. Once Gale enters, well, she uses “Pabst-schmere” and it’s not long before we’re back to sex talk. Never takes long, does it?
24. “You were crushin’ Gus N’ Bru with your pals the other day.” (S3 E5)
Bonnie McMurray brings the crew a round of Gus N’ Bru to celebrate MoDeans II. Dan makes a grunty dad noise when lifting himself from the barstool. Cue the pop-pop jokes and Tony the Tiger references. Bunch’a smart alecks.
23. “You ran out of beers with your pals the other day.” (S2 E5)
The origin of “To be fair,” on a bleak Letterkenny day where the booze stash has been depleted. Wayne voices his concerns about dead bugs in the bottom of ice cream cones. Dary brings out the leftovers from the Christmas potluck. What’s Dan supposed to do with...Blue Cur-a-ko (Dan struggles with “Curacao”)?
22. “We were discussing headlines from the city newspaper the other day.” (S5 E3)
Dan has a grumble in the jungle. The gang tumbles down the social media rabbit hole, and Wayne can’t wrap his head around tweetin’ protest tweets about not tweeting. Somehow the President of Iceland gets involved in the fallout discourse. Fuck...every duck. Where else but Twitter?
21. “Bit of fuss down at the church the other day.” (S1 E5)
Wayne and Dary go to church. Pastor Glen isn’t wearing any pants on account of the humidity. There’s a possum under the alter’s stage that Dary goes to wrangle, after debating the pronunciation of “nuclear.” The mutant rodent, according to Wayne, bites Dary after he reaches his hand in because it’s a better idea than going head first. Ow.
20. “You got invited to a party the other day.” (S4 E5)
The McMurrays invite everyone over for a barbeque. Wayne learns that you can’t just have sex and watch movie every night. No Amazon Prime and sexy times. No stream it and cream it. There’s more to life than a little Hulu and you-screw. You get the point.
19. “The Wordplay Banter” (S6 E1)
You ripped a game of Buckhunter so immaculate, that bar’s brought you in through the kitchen ever since. Twiffer. Golden rule, you can’t sleep pole to hole. Inbred hot chili peppers. It’s a bunch of one-liners played for laughs. Mission accomplished.
18. “Your sister heard an old favorite on the radio the other day.” (S6 E5)
Katy listens to the terrestrial radio. Katy is hot for Howard Stern. Wayne is a DMX fan because he’s an animal lover (why else would the big-dog bark). Everyone starts making animal noises at the end of tough guy rap lines. Katy meows. Wayne bahs like a sheep. Dary crows. Dan has enough and roars like a mighty alpha lion. Bit over.
17. “You were sippin’ suds with your buds the other day.” (S5 E6)
Dary always thought “Craft Beer” was “Craft Beard,” on account of most brewmasters sporting bushy, hipster bears. The gang starts spitballing the perfect beer name. Wayne likes a cozy name. Dary likes a fruity name. Katy ends the convo with “Slip-it-in Cider.”
16. “You’re having some beers in the barn with your pals the other day.” (S2 E2)
Newly appointed Ag Hall President Wayne discusses his future plans, which is when Squirrely Dan and Dary jump into a discussion about charitable acts. If it’s not posted on the internet or in papers, what’s the point of a charitables? Wayne cuts to the point of doing a charitable act for the act itself, not recognition. No one does a tweet, feels fuckin’ sweet.
15. “You were having..breh-fekst...with your pals the other day.” (S6 E3)
Dary is wearing an eau de toilette. The Quebec girlfriends cook their lovelies' crepes. This leads to one-uppery as the gang comes up with punny crepe shop names (Planet Of The Crepes, Sadako And The Thousand Paper Crepes, so on). Dary finally pronounces “breakfast” correctly.
14. “You were leaning right into one with your pals the other day.” (S7 E6)
Wayne’s hammered. He’s ins it to wins it. Say your buddy comes over to have some beers. If you’re gonna sit around and drink six beers, you might as well admit you’re gonna get fucking hammered and have eight beers. Dary wants to drive to Quebec with a broken heart. Poor little buddy.
13. “You finished up choring the other day.” (S4 E3)
The boys relax like degens after a long day of hay-related activities. Dary utters the word “moist.” Katy insists she never wants to hear that word spoken again. Wayne, Dary, and Squirrely Dan end up doused in beer after a slew of “moist” puns from “The Three Moistketeers” to “Moisty Cyrus.” Watch the smokes.
12. “One of your dogs was being a degen the other day.” (S4 E2)
Dary lets Gus lick his boots, which kickstarts Wayne’s tirade against all dudes shoes being covered in piss. Everybody’s a fuckin’ expert. Wayne suggests that, well, maybe ants can ride sea-doos. You’d need a team of scientists, he thinks. Look at Honey, I Shrunk The Kid. Ants are resilient.
11. “You’re out picking stones with your pals the other day.” (S2 E4)
There’s been an incident, and Wayne needs to talk about it. He’s seen Stewart’s floppy disk, and much to Katy’s dismay, it’s a prized hog. Like a tube of tennis balls, four-pack. Good for you, Stewart.
10. “You were having breakfast with your pals the other day.” (S3 E6)
We find out who the boys turn into when they’re really, really, really drunk. Katy shuns the hungover messes. Samuel enters the Big Brother program; Wayne still hates Samuel. Wayne refuses to believe that babies can be smart. We get Wayne’s epic baby impression.
9. “You were chorin’ with your pals the other day.” (S3 E3)
Dary licks his lips after he blasts a snot rocket and gets schooled on nostril waste collection. Dan has another sexual question for his good buddies, about taking the dirt road home. Wayne would rather take a migraine. Different kinds of sex are compared to loaves of bread and honey crullers. There’s such a thing as too much butt talk and a fella should be fuckin’ aware of it.
8. “You were having Happy Hour with your pals the other day.” (S8 E4)
Wrestling puns. All the wrestling puns. An entire conversation that revolves around WCW, WWE, and further wrestling legends. When Letterkenny has fun with dialogue, it’s at its best.
7. “You went shopping for a whiskey night the other day.” (S5 E5)
Wayne is fine letting Gus drop Baby Ruth’s around the house, he’s earned it. Katy wants Gus to understand what he’s done is wrong. Wayne goes in. Gus, played by the best performance dog in Canada, finds himself in a headlock while Wayne “talks some sense” into his elder pooch. It’s better to be lookin’ at it than looking for it, eh?
6. “You’re having a conversation about your pal’s second cousin the other day.” (S5 E2)
Wayne is sick of hearing wanks from Los Angeles brag about tacos and hiking. Also, anyone who pronounces it, “Elll Ayyyyy.” It’s fish, steak, or carnitas wrapped in tortillas, how good can it be? Pull your finger out of your ass.
5. “I, McMurray, have a 5.15 inch penis.” (S7 E5)
McMurray spent his entire life thinking he’s working with a 4.15 inch penis, but learned from Howard Stern he’s been measuring wrong, every year, on Boxing Day. It’s not from the pubic bone, topside, to the tip. It’s under the carriage, bottom side, from the jinglies to the point. McMurray announces this on live television. Oh look! More callers who would like to comment on today’s topic.
4. “You were fishing with your pals the other day.” (S3 E2)
The boys draw a line in the snow...on farts. The inappropriate toots must stop. Squirrely Dan is none too pleased about the new fart legislation. Dan goes outside to fart appropriately. I know fart humor is fart humor, but the way Dan is offended by Wayne’s fart restrictions is...comedy gold.
3. “You’re huckin’ the ball around with your pals the other day.” (S2 E3)
Squirrely Dan confides in Wayne and Dary about his new sweetie’s free-spirited sexual explorations while the three toss a baseball. Not to kiss and tell, but Dan reveals that frenching took a hard left-turn into a few fingers up his “butts hole.” As he explains, Wayne and Dary eliminate Dan from the catch triangle, as he continues to detail his after-date surprise while the two listeners focus harder and more intently in their game of catch the more Dan uses phrases like “milking the prostate.”
2. Katie’s Rap” (S9 E1)
“I’m like a Targaryen, spitting straight up valerian, out here not care-ying, out here don cherry-ing, you’re arbitrarian, you out there ferrying, out there miscarrying, Pam and Rosemary-ing, I’m a wild cherry, you’re a huckleberry, yeah I’m Bloody Mary, you are Tom and Jerry, I am legendary, no one secondary, you’re unnecessary, you are Moe, Curly, and Larry.”
Straight, from the mouth of a Canadian Queen, Dierks-slaying fire.
1. “Couple of hockey players come up to the produce stand the other day.” (S1 E1)
I don’t think I’ve fallen in love with a television program quicker than Letterkenny. From backwards pageantry to pacifist prodding to a near-donnybrook, Wayne and Dary’s spit-roast skewering of Reilly and Jonesy is insult-a-minute perfection. Treasure trails? PokerStars.com references? Welcome to Letterkenny, you top-notch pylons.
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