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Best Derry Girls quotes: the funniest lines from the comedy

The five main members of the Derry Girls cast.
The Derry Girls (and James) are a gloriously funny bunch. (Image credit: Channel 4)

With a cast of characters as hilarious as the Derry Girls, it's no surprise that the Irish series quickly became one of the very best Channel 4 comedies.

In just two short seasons, Derry Girls has delivered countless hilarious moments. As Derry Girls season 3 finally arrives, we've taken a look back at the show to highlight some of the funniest scenes and picked out some of the best Derry Girls quotes from the show so far.

The best Derry Girls quotes: Erin Quinn's best lines

Saoirse-Monica Jackson as Erin Quinn.

Erin Quinn (Saoirse-Monica Jackson) is often  (Image credit: Channel4)

"Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents"

"We're not abducting him, Clare — we're kidnapping him."

(about Charlene Kavanagh) "Oh I'm so good-looking, oh I'm so popular if there ever was a more shallow, self-absorbed, genuinely unpleasant human being to be."

"I sort of like the fact that Peter thinks I'm the chosen one."

"Yeah, she might be a dick, but she's MY dick!"

Michelle Mallon's funniest quotes

"We got the gist. They ran out of spuds, everyone was raging."

"You can't ring ChildLine every time your ma threatens to kill you."

"Old people are arseholes." 

"You're a Derry Girl now, James."

"Get in the van, come on, and do not test me, because we've already missed PJ and Duncan!"

"Now that Mae has officially joined the group, we need to give James his notice."

"I said be sexy, not be a ****ing blowfish, Erin."

Clare Devlin's best quotes

"I didn't do anything. It was Michelle, it was all Michelle! I'm not going down for something I didn't do. If anyone deserves to get punished, it should be Michelle!"

"We could, we could sell our organs, or, and forgive me if this is a bit left-field, but could we not you know, get jobs?"

"Sweet suffering Jesus, it's the morning already, what are we gonna do?!"

"I'm very sorry for all your trouble, you know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant. When you think about it, we've actually got a lot in common because we understand what it's like to be a young person from a troubled place."

"I am not a craic killer!"

"I'm not interested in you like that, look at the state of you... your arrogance is staggering, Erin."

Orla McCool's strangest moments

Louisa Harland as Orla McCool.

Orla is responsible for some of the weirdest lines in the show. (Image credit: Channel4)

"I love my wee fingers"

"I don't smoke either, I just like meltin' stuff."

"Protestants hate ABBA."

"I just saw it too! The holy smirk, thanks be to god!"

"He may be a lad, John, but I can offer you protection. I have a hunting knife."

"Don't cry Erin, he's in a better place now, unless he's not, you know, cause unless he's gone to hell."

"I love my Easter dress but this is cracker, too. There's just nothing that doesn't suit me."

James Maguire's funniest quotes

"I'm a Derry Girl!"

"I don't like it, okay! It's too greasy, it's much, much too greasy, even the smell of it makes me feel physically sick!" 

"Oh I see, yeah, this isn't Windolene, this is, this is mayonnaise."

"Apparently, sex uses up a lot of energy."

"How do things work here? How do they work? Will one of you please explain it to me? Because sometimes I feel like I've gone through the ****ing looking glass!"

"This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare, I've seen Goodfellas twenty times."

Sister Michael's most savage put-downs

Sister Michael leans back disapprovingly in her chair.

Sister Michael rarely minces her her words... (Image credit: C4)

"If anyone is feeling anxious or worried or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me."

"Well, I think it's safe to say we all just lost a bit for you there, Clare." 

"Part of the reason I became a nun — free accommodation."

"Every year, I sit backstage listening to the singers and it really makes me realize just how talented the professionals who originally recorded these tracks were."

"You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well-liked."

"I will be taking this class for the rest of the term, which makes me want to pull off my own face, but needs must."

"Jesus, girls, what are you still doing here? I thought we had an intruder, and I'll tell you what, he'd have been a sorry boy, I just nailed some serious moves."

Granda Joe fiercest moments

"I don't see why that useless drip you call a husband has to get coming."

"The only crime I ever committed was to be born a Catholic."

"I'll compromise you through that window."

"I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy. I've got people working on it."

"I know I shouldn't say this about my own brother but, by Christ, he's a boring ****"

"Relax, love, we've a good two or three hours before the rioting starts."

Martin Shore
Martin Shore

Martin is a Staff Writer with WhatToWatch.com, where he produces a variety of articles focused on the latest and greatest films and TV shows. 

Some of his favorite shows are What We Do In The Shadows, Bridgerton, Gangs of London, The Witcher, Doctor Who, and Ghosts. When he’s not watching TV or at the movies, Martin’s probably still in front of a screen playing the latest video games, reading, or watching the NFL.